


The Talk

by Laci_Taleweaver, The_Crystal_Rose



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: F/M, Vegeta was not properly educated, bulma briefs gives the snarkiest sex-ed talk EVER, the sex talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 10:28:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16061216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laci_Taleweaver/pseuds/Laci_Taleweaver, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Crystal_Rose/pseuds/The_Crystal_Rose
Summary: Set during the infamous 3 Years.  Bulma has just gotten pregnant, and finds out that Vegeta doesn't know where babies come from.  (Wow, turns out child soldiers don't receive a thorough education!  Who knew?)





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This little one-shot came from a conversation in the Discord chat for The Prince And The Heiress. Check out the community on Tumblr or Discord if you need more Vegebul in your life!
> 
> (Also, my comments are NOT THE PLACE for a discussion on abortion. Just don't go there. Please.)

Bulma sighed as she looked at the pregnancy test again. There really was no mistaking it. She was pregnant with an alien baby. Given who the father was, this could go anywhere from an easy conversation, to the pregnancy not mattering anymore because Vegeta would tear her to pieces. But putting it off wouldn't help either. "Okay," she said softly to herself. "Time to do this." She left the bathroom and went to find a certain alien prince.

 

"You're having a _what_?" Vegeta's eyebrows were nearly up to his hairline, which was impressive given the size of his forehead.

"That's right, in about eight more months, you're going to be a father."  Bulma couldn't blame him for being surprised.  Just because Goku and Chichi had managed to have a Saiyan-human hybrid, didn't mean it was necessarily easy.

"How could you do this?" the Saiyan prince sputtered. "I can't just settle down and play house on some backwater planet! I am a warrior!"  He didn't have time to mind a baby!  He had to train!  How could he ever surpass Kakarot if he had to sit there and....ugh.... **nurture** some bastard.

“Hey, you didn’t pull out either you know," Bulma pointed out. "It takes two to make a baby."

“No, I didn't pull out. What does that have to do with anything?” Of all the responses Vegeta could have given, this was the last one Bulma would have ever expected.

“Vegeta, do you seriously mean to tell me that you're in your 30s and nobody explained the birds and the bees to you?”

Vegeta looked even more confused. “What do earth animals have to do with this?!”

Bulma sighed heavily. “Oh my god. I have to give The Talk to my alien baby daddy. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any weirder...”

"The Talk? We are already conversing, you imbecile!" Vegeta was beginning to wonder when the woman would begin to make sense. He'd had sex with dozens of whores during his time working for Frieza, and none of them had ever ended up pregnant! And he was pretty sure he hadn't done anything differently this time.

"Hang on," Bulma said. "Let me get a pencil and paper." She quickly sketched out a bulb with two prongs coming out of it and a long stem beneath. It wasn't science-textbook-worthy, but it was at least good enough to be recognizable. “Ok, so. Here’s a diagram of the female reproductive tract. Eggs are made here. Your semen contains sperm that can fertilize those eggs. The egg travels through one of these tubes toward the uterus, which is this part here." Bulma then stabbed at the crudely-drawn vagina with her pencil. "So when you stuck your dick HERE, the little swimmers went up HERE, found the egg and now you’re a father.” If Bulma weren't pregnant, she would already be smoking the cigarette she desperately needed after this conversation.

"But if that's how it works, shouldn't I already have a few bastards? None of the whores in PTO space ever ended up pregnant after a night with one of Frieza's soldiers, or I would have heard about it!"

 **Of course** he'd only ever done it with prostitutes before. How had she ever expected any different? "Okay, so. First of all, there's no reason they'd tell you. Secondly, most of those prostitutes were either on birth control, or they got abortions as soon as they found out they were pregnant. You can't just expect every woman to have an IUD, Vegeta!"

"What the hell's an IUD?"

Bulma sighed. Forget the cigarette, she needed booze, and lots of it. Would that affect a Saiyan baby? She couldn't remember.


End file.
